Sunday, September 13, 2009

Adventures in Pregnancy III Myths and Lies

Sunday, September 13, 2009 

Current mood:Pfftttt
So as I have observed myself through my pregnancy I have begun making comparisons to what I have read and been told by veteran moms VS what is actually happening to me. Of course every "Adventure" is different, and I understand that, but I feel like there are alot of things people DON'T tell you that you might want to know the whole truth about before deciding to allow your husband's "little buddy" anywhere near you. In the woods of Jeff foxworthy telling his daughter to stay away from parts of the male body, "Hoo hoo's are extremely poisonous", and I am here to tell you that nothing could be MORE TRUE! If only I had listened.

I feel that if people were more honest about what a "fun" Adventure pregnancy really is we would have less of it :P Less kids is probably a good thing unless they are coupled with really good parents. Not the sure go ahead and let your kid scream and throw things in walmart kind of parents.

Being that I am only about half way through my punishment... err Adventure I am not a total expert. However below I will list the myths and lies along with the actual truths of Hoo Hoo poisoning AKA pregnancy.

Morning sickness
Obviously you probably don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that this is a misnomer, probably named by a man in my opinion. Most ladies know that "The Sickness" can strike at any time of day or even better wake you up in the morning and last ALL day. Nice. I seem to get a ton of advice on what to do about it and how it will go away on it's own. Mostly I notice this advice coming from people who "never felt better than when they were pregnant" or who never really got all that sick, or from men!!. To them I say SHUT UP! Ginger tea does help as does peppermint tea in my case however you have GOT to remember that what goes in is likely going to come back out. So my advice, let the tea cool or drink it iced. It's just as scalding hot on the way back up as it was when you drank it in the first place. (Though Virginia I DO thank you for the advice on how to make it) Some people don't seem to understand the sickness all that well. Again I notice it is people who didn't get sick or men. They try and tell you it's no big deal and if it's a mild case than maybe it isn't. You know like a mild case of the martian death flu isn't any big deal either. :) That's wrong, sorry but if you throw up every day for three (going on four) months it IS a big deal. If you get sick and gag in the car or worse almost pass out resulting in a near head on crash that's a Big Deal. If you lose control of your body and watch your head on the side of the sink or toilet as your body is thrown forward to puke and you pass out naked on the bathroom floor.... that's a big deal! No matter how you slice it, the sickness is awful and can land you in the hospital for a number of reasons the least of which is dehydration. Thankgod for Zofram, which is a nifty little drug your doctor can give you to curb the sickness so you can get on with almost normal life. As normal as you can make it with a creature growing inside you.

Pickle Cravings
That's disturbingly true I'm afraid HOWEVER what you didn't know about craving pickles is that it likely indicates that you are deficient in certain vitamins and minerals. Nice :)
Other food cravingsThey won't go away and it isn't just a simple, "Hummmm such and such sounds good for dinner" Nope it's a student OMG I just HAVE to have skittles RIGHT NOW. I'm here to tell you that if skittles don't suddenly appear with all haste your poor hubby comes face to face with the hormonal dark side and he'd better have a light saber (or even better some skittles) to defend himself with. Food cravings seems to cause trouble for husbands, they certainly are for mine and I'm only 16 weeks along lol. Aside from having to be a mind reading Jedi to know what he is and isn't allowed to say those mind tricks come in handy for guessing what the next craving emergency will be. Luckily for him John just rolls with the punches and will head out to the store for peanut M&M's and pickles or just shrugs when dinner has to be olive garden which sees is driving forty minutes only to have me change my mind and want to eat elsewhere instead.

Food Aversions
You may assume that you will suddenly dislike the sight, smell, or thought of foods you kind of didn't like much to begin with or foods you liked but rarely ate. NOPE. You are likely to suddenly be violently ill if you even spot the main staple in your pre

You're eating for TWO so eat up!
Yeah uhhh eating for two is harder than it looks without the zofram :) It's more like a lesson in how to develop an eating disorder.
With the zofram however you will be HUNGRY and it is common knowledge that prego people are always hungry and inviting one into your home may result in said pregnant lady eating everything in your home. My husband often looks at me with a combination of astonishment and disbelief when two hours after getting home from crackle barrel I announce that I am starving... again. The thing is though, yes I just had lunch two hours ago but I hardly ate any of it or I ate all of it and threw it up before leaving the good ol country store. With Cletus growing every day there seems to be less and less room for food storage when it comes to having a meal. I can't even finish a whole happy meal at McD's these days and forget about the Big Mac. Today in fact I had the bright idea to get the two cheeseburger meal since the burgers are smaller, I ate one and was then so full that I thought I was going to be sick. John ate the other one. An hour later, I was rummaging around the fridge looking for last nights take out from Jin Jins and two hours after that I ate popcorn with hubby and then went to walmart and picked up hotdogs,( of all things) for dinner. Of course I wanted two hotdogs and again could only eat one lol. Here I sit just a few hours after dinner wondering if it'll wake John up if I heat up a bowl of oatmeal.
You may have other digestive "issues" Issues here translates into heartburn, gas, and constipation. Heartburn isn't such a huge deal, though it seems to occur no matter what you eat. I actual like the taste of mixed berry tums and have permission to take them so I'm all set. Heartburn you may be interested to know was my very first pregnancy symptom and is what prompted me to take the second and then third, fourth, fifth, and sixth test. People who have never had heartburn before may notice it ten minutes after conception.... depends on what they swallowed that day. :P Of course, if you did that little treat you probably wouldn't be pregnant in the first place, but that's another post.
Constipation - Yeah, in all the books I've read it mentions that this may happen to you. Ummm yeah, like labor and delivery may happen to you. Books and doctors are also apparently very informative on what to do when (not if but WHEN) it does. Fiber and water and prunes was the advice I got. Listen extra closely, this one is important - EATING ADDITIONAL FIBER AND DRINKING MORE WATER WILL RESULT IN YOU BEING ALLOWED TO BE PROUD THAT YOU ARE GETTING YOUR DAILY FIBER AND BEING LESS THIRSTY. Unless your shooting WD-40 up your ass you're just gonna have to grin and bear (down) it. It's also going to hurt and it'll take a long time to deliver the goods so to speak. Once you emerge victorious from your adventure in pooping you'll likely be red faced, and sweaty and feel like somebody beat the crap out of you. It's very frustrating if you notice that the poo you just work 40 minutes to rid yourself of is super tiny. Just don't look would be my advice, assume you have crapped out a small house and leave it at that. Also don't expect your hubby or anyone else for that matter to understand what you are you poor ass is going through at this time. Ask your OB what they recommend for stool softeners and it'll help a little bit. There are also nasty little punishments for these five alarm poo sessions, but I haven't experienced any of those so I'll leave it for you to imagine.
One more word on poo's don't be surprised if your body which is in overdrive making a baby forgets just how small that backdoor is and sends a mac truck down the tunnel meant for a compact car. That's part of the difficulty actually :( Get hubby to unstop the toilet in an hour or so if needed, you'll be shocked at big around those things can be!!

Gas; yup you're gonna have it, nothing you can do about it. It has to do with your body slowing digestive times down in order to extract everything it can from what little food you don't throw up. The result is gas. Sometimes it'll hurt and give you cramps. Presumably you can lay off the carbonated beverages and that will help but forget about skipping the gas causing veggies - you need to eat those. Best to just not worry about it and let 'er rip. If you can hold your hubby under the covers right after all the better. Think of it as getting even with him for trying to kill you by knocking you up.

You're skin will glow while you are prego...
It glows because it's either sweaty, you'll be hot a lot of the time, or it's oily. Either condition will lead to pimples so you can pretty much forget about the lovely glowing skin.
Pregnancy causes your hair and nails to grow thicker and longerUmmm yeah I guess this one is true. I've always had pretty nails, once I out grew biting them in grade school so I don't notice them being better or worse. What nobody seems willing to tell you though about the thick and lush hair is that it becomes thick and lush in places you won't like. In fact most of those places will mortify you. I just shaved my legs tonight and by morning I'll have a five o'clock shadow on them I can promise. Gone are the days where I can get away with shaving every other or every three days. Couple this with the unwanted hair in other areas and I hate hate hate this pregnancy "perk"

Ultrasounds are Fun
No, they aren't, they hurt in early pregnancy and can make you sick as can that niffty fetal doppler that allows you to hear the heartbeat on your non ultrasound visits. They take that wand and push it really hard into your already upset tummy, they are trying to see something that's really tiny after all. Couple that with the fact that you are supposed to have a full bladder for your earlier ultrasounds and it can be a pretty uncomfortable experience. My OB doesn't seem to understand this and probably thinks I'm the anti-Christ or something because I don't care to lay there for 15 minutes and be poked on so she can make the heartbeat clear enough for me to hear and enjoy. It was a case of "Uhhhh ok, ummmm no I can't hear it all that well, but as long as you can hear it and it's fine we can stop". I go in a week for another ultrasound and I am praying that it isn't as uncomfortable as the first because I know it will be longer.

I haven't decided to be super excited about bringing a creature into the world however, it isn't ALL bad. I suppose the excuse to go shopping and look at really cute teeny tiny shoes is fun. Planning how to decorate the nursery is fun too. It's just that being preggers kind of sucks at certain times. The extra closeness it may provide with your significant other is nice and we never run out of things to talk about when it comes to planning our fast approaching future. I may not wish pregnancy on the unsuspecting enemy but at the same time even I'll admit it isn't a death sentence or anything.... as long as you control the sickness!!

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