Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Adventures in Pregnancy

 Thursday July 9, 2009
Current Mood; nauseated

OK, so yeah, if you're wondering, it's true I am knocked up.
I'll answer a few questions that you all have (and I'm sick of being asked) to start off.

-How am I feeling? - Like shit, morning sickness (all day) surely I don't need to explain that further-Am I happy/excited - No, you 'tard, you ever see a child birth? I'm terrified.
-Is my husband happy/Excited - YES!! Haha, that's the understatement of the year, he's over the moon and if I don't keep him leashed he's telling complete strangers "Hey I'm gonna be a dad!!" -Is my family excited - YES again a huge understatement.
-Am I ready to be a parent? - No, again I feel like that's a retarded question. -When is the baby due? As of right now Feb 10... 2010 - uhhh just in case you cant count
I choose a new doctor in Destin so I could give birth is the super duper brand new amazing birth center at Sacred Heart where my dearest husband works. Our insurance covers everything which is nice. How many people do you know can go in and have a baby for 100 dollars? You can't buy for one that so in this case I suppose "home made" is best.

Anyway so here I sit filling out reams of paperwork most of which asks the same question over and over again so I can be all set to begin my excellent prenatal care. The top of the paperwork reads "Destin OB/GYN" Keep that in mind. There are a slew of questions that seem relatively normal medical history, allergies, drug allergies, you know stuff they need so they don't accidentally kill you.

Then we turn the page to question about why I may be pregnant/how/and why and some other questions about my current condition. Some of these were on the paperwork and some were asked by the nurse who was filling out her own set of paperwork on me. The questions on this page are REAL I swear to God they are. Because my choices were to find humor in the situation and laugh or throw up and cry I choose to find these funny.

1) Reason for visit?  Pregnant
2)Symptoms of pregnancy? The obvious missed period, vomiting, cramping, barely being able to stay awake, and Extremely low tolerance of stupid people (and questions)... I mean lower than normal.
3) Are you sexually active?  Uhhh apparently. Wait actually NO, I pissed God off royally by not going to church and he's getting even.
4) Is intercourse satstisfactory? Uhhh... well that depends now doesn't it. It was, now not so much that I have an foreign body turning into a person inside of me.
**How FUNNY might it have been to answer that question with a big ol HELL NO since John works there and knows so much of the staff!! ROFL He advised me not to do that though since it would probably require some addition torture,, ehh I mean testing on my part to figure out what was wrong with ME... *eye roll*
5) Do you wish to discuss this(in ref. to questions 3 and 4) Well uhhh WHY did you ask me all that if I had the choice not to talk about it in the first place?
6) Do you have nipple discharge? Ummmm NO.... Wouldn't I maybe have come in sooner if that were the case?? It seems in that instance pregnancy might be the least of your problems.
7) When you became pregnant did you want to be pregnant now, pregnant later, not pregnant - Eh, now later, not at all - who cares? Why exactly does this matter?
8)Is now a good time to be pregnant? Well I guess so... seeing as how I don't have much a choice given my set of beliefs and morals.
9) Do you have a high school diploma or GED? Uhhh why? I can understand the employment questions, you wanna make sure I'm good to pay the bill, but what is this one about?? Are you pre-disposed to having a dumber than average child if you don't fit the bill here?? Weird.
10) Do you use/abuse illegal street drugs? Now who is going to admit to that?? *Hangs head in shame* Yes nurse I'm an addict and a  dealer and I smoke and drink and sell my body for money.... anything else you'd like to know before treating me  at this catholic hospital ? LoL.

No comments:

Post a Comment