Saturday, July 9, 2011

Miscarriage is hard enough....

I am in a complete and utter state of astonishment at how insensitive so many people are towards the topic of miscarriage (MC). It shocks me that a person can look into the eyes of a grieving mother and say things like "oh well, maybe this is for the best" or "better early than later" or my personal favorite, "Better luck next time!". Why this country has not seen a mass murder at the hands of a pissed off emotionally drained mother who's just MC'd and heard some of these statements from close family and friends I do not know. People deal with things in their own way and even if a mother does not show outward signs of her distress to you it's a fair bet that she IS feeling it. I think maybe some people do not understand just how attached a mother becomes to a little pink (or blue) line or the word pregnant on a home pregnancy test. When that woman takes more than one test and see's more than one result saying the same thing the attachment deepens. Saying something along the lines of it's better that it happened early VS later because the later it happens to more attached a mother is is terribly misinformed. From the moment you know, there is no going back. That little line represents a human life like it or not. Doesn't matter if it's five days before your missed period or 5 weeks after. The result is the same. The medical protocol is the only real difference here. Another comment that shocked me was the wide spread belief that sometimes a woman's body is "just practicing" and next month you'll probably get pregnant again, you're body will be all systems go, and the pregnancy will stick. Well that would be nice except, guess what, the baby gods don't work that way. They don't assume that since you've had a MC they owe you a pregnancy on your next try. If only that WERE true I know a few ladies who would be a lot happier. The common and often given advice to just keep trying is also amazingly annoying and insensitive. You see the scariest part of a MC is the fact that it doesn't just go away. It stays with you whether you want it to or not. Sure you are working on a baby and you will try again but it can really suck some of the magic out baby making. Aside from being a potential kick start for depression (Was it my fault? What did I do? What's wrong with me? Why me?) it can also be a real source of fear. You may find yourself reluctant to try again b/c you fear rolling the dice and losing.  I'll say it once again for those who weren't paying attention the first time, once you see that positive result there is no going back. You are forever changed.  You are sure to have people encouraging you to go ahead and move on and get back to baby making because they do not understand what it is like to suddenly realize that you've lost something so precious. It's not the same feeling as when you misplace your Rolex OK, though that would surely strike fear into the hearts of many as well lol.  The thoughts and feelings that go through the mind are likely different for everyone but I can assure that icy chill that goes straight to your soul when you discover you are bleeding, or you fail to hear a heartbeat, or you're blood results don't come back the way the aught to have is most likely something that everyone shares. It isn't the nicest thing mother nature can do to you and insensitive, though likely well meaning, friends/family don't help that. They cannot understand the bone chilling fear that it will happen again and they cannot understand the unavoidable feelings that somehow it's your fault. Interestingly enough though even mothers who CAN understand because they have been there sometimes forget how you may be feelings and are often some of the most insensitive. If you're the friend, relative, neighbor type well then maybe stop and think before you speak. Your intentions might be good and you don't mean to be hurtful but please understand the person you are speaking to is usually trying to deal with a lot of emotion, even if they don't show it. Maybe now isn't the time for any deep thoughtful advice from you. Maybe just an "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do?" or a hug is all that is needed. Don't dispense medical advice or suggestions unless you are the person's doctor either. That is probably the LEAST helpful thing you can say. Unhelpful advice is bad at the best of time, it's down right wicked in this case.

As you might have guessed, if you're the brilliant sort, I have been on the receiving end of mother nature's cruelest joke and the "helpful" advice that usually follows. My husband and I did our thing and almost right away I knew we had been successful. It's amazing how early a woman can notice subtle shifts and tiny clues that a baby is in the future if she is really paying attention. :) Suffice it to say well before even the most sensitive of tests could possible detect hCG in my system I knew we had conceived. My husband knew it as well. We both just KNEW! When it was time to test neither of us were really surprised that the test was positive. What happened next WAS a surprise. There is unfortunately no real way to predict a MC is coming though oddly enough, there were clues there too though nothing could be done. My own husband was guilty of being one of those insensitive jerks mentioned above which just made the whole process that much harder. When I voiced my first fears to my husband on what might be taking place he shrugged me off, likely b/c he didn't know what else to say. I guess there is where the difference between a mother and a father becomes apparent, it's not real for some daddies until the baby has been BORN! When it became apparent that it was a done deal I didn't bother to bring it up to him at all. I just expected him to figure it out on his own as I was obviously expected to deal with it on my own. Only a few close friends were aware and my TTC group on BBC, no family.
A lot of tears and a little depression followed and as it has a habit of doing time marched on until my newly started chart green lighted another attempt. I had heard all of the wonderful "you're body is just practicing" advice and decided why not, let's go for it. That side effect that I mentioned where a MC sort of sucks the magic out of baby making was very much in evidence as was the fear. As my DPO count progressed I began to become really anxious at the thought of another positive test result and the possibility of another loss. I was not at all as excited and giddy as I was the month before and in no hurry to POAS. Even when my chart looked promising that a pregnancy MIGHT be in the future I dared not to hope. Today at 15DPO AF showed up to end the process pretty much right on time. Now what was that about my body was going to be ready this month ??? :P See told you the baby gods didn't work that way. *sigh* I am reminded though that I already have one little monster... err I mean adorable, lovable, amazing child and some don't even have that much. I will be thankful for the baby who is already in our lives and send prayers to my new found TTC friends who have suffered this injustice more than once and do not yet have a baby to love. We may keep seriously trying and we may not. We are trying to plan our next baby around the weather. There is no sense in being huge and pregnant in the hot Florida summer if you don't have to be. :) Nicholas will have a bother or a sister eventually I am sure. We won't forget our little angel bean though, the one who got away, who would have been born in early Feb. All we can do is to hug baby Nicholas and wait for fate to decide it is time. God, we are ready when you are.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

1 comment:

  1. Just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how you feel. I'm from your Feb 2010 WTE board. I lost my first pregnancy at 16 weeks, I was already showing a little bit and had to go through labor and delivery of a little boy much too young to even have a chance at survival. We had to say goodbye much to soon, and just like you people thought it was appropriate to say things like, maybe he just wasn't strong enough for this world and it's better he went sooner rather than later. I also lost about 40 lbs within the months after our loss and one of my friends told me that I should look at it as a good thing because look at what it has done for my health. I know that people don't know what to say but sometimes it seems they don't even think. I am so sorry that you lost your little bean, that baby was special and important even though his/her time with you was short. You will be forever changed but you will also be ok, you are strong and you have your handsome little Nicholas to keep you going.