Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Ugh, rough night as a new mommy

I have always thought it was a little bit of overkill all the stuff they give you about shaken baby and how (obviously) you're not supposed to do that. I mean that stuff is everywhere and we were even required to watch a video on it before leaving the hospital. Silly? No so much....

Anyway now I get why. It is tempting I must say. Especially tonight :( Nicholas has decided that mommy does not need to sleep... ever. My hubby has apparently reached the same conclusion since he is snoring away in bed and I am sitting here with a noisy baby that I would like nothing better than to thump on the head or something. (I won't - I promise)
He;s been like this all day. The most he's slept at any one time has been about an hour. Usually I think I've gotten him to sleep only to hear him wake up 30 minutes or less later. I was almost able to eat dinner he was out for a few minutes. I thought "hey great, he's getting tied. We'll eat and then feed him one last time and go to bed" Uhhh no not quite. He was up 30 minutes after I layed down. I had JUST started to doze off for the first time since 2am this morning. :( Now here I sit and I can't figure out what he wants. I've fed him over and over, burped him, changed him, changed his clothes. swaddled him, unswaddled him, reswaddled him with a different blankie, picked him up, rocked him, swung him, given him a paci. I'm sitting here in the spare room with all the lights off with him on the boppy pillow beside me crying. I don't trust myself to pick him up just now so I am holding his paci and he is alternating between sucking on it and spitting it out and screaming. He is WIDE awake and I can't understand how. What happened to the concept of newborns wanting/needing to sleep a fair amount during the day? This is awful.
Of course I felt bad just now and picked him up, instant silence... I can't hold him all the time though. I can't fall asleep holding him and I can't stay awake and hold him while he sleeps. This is soooooo frustrating
Another extra annoying issues is that since we've been at this all of today and now tonight my arms are starting to hurt and so are my boobies from nursing like every hour. Im at my wits end, my sense of humor is totally gone, and im really stating to regret this whole parenthood idea and resent my little one... guess thats the baby blues and lack of sleep? Also kind of resent my hubby. This was HIS idea, I never really cared about having children. Now I seem to be the one paying the price, first with the difficult pregnancy, then with the c-section, and now with no sleep, just so he can cuddle a for an hour or so when he gets home from work. Then he's tired and wants to hand Nicholas off to mommy when mommy really really needs a break. Breastfeeding was HIS idea too come to think of it. I really want to give Nicholas a bottle of formula right now to fill him totally up and hopefully send him off to dreamland for a couple of hours. Except he won't take formula most of the time, and when he does take it he spits most of it back up. How nice...

I don't know what I did or ate that has him so wired and fussy and I don't know what to do about it except type it all out and sit here in the dark and cry with him... :( I'm starting to hate parenthood and feel terrible about those thoughts.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The best day ever - The Birth Story

He's Here, He's Here :) A rough and tumble pregnancy ended on a dramtic note to be sure but delivered the goods in the form of a healthy and happy baby Boy. Nicholas Sean arrived safe and sound. Mommy, daddy, and baby are all fine and extended family are all REALLY excited.
John and I got up at 4am on Wednesday (Feb. 3) morning to get showered and ready to head to the birthing center, we were scheduled to be induced at 6am. We were not supposed to be induced until Saturday the 6th but on Monday my blood pressure finaly crossed into the pre-eclampsia danger zone and I was started to leak more protein and had gotten a headache that wouldn't really go away so it was more than obvious I had the condition. She decided to move me up to Wednesday so we could do it right at 37 weeks. I cried all day Monday and Tuesday for no reason in particular, just stressed out because of the change I suppose. I don't do well when plans like that change last minute, I had my whole week out.
Anyway so we arrived, took one last "belly" picture, I peed in a cup and got changed into a gown. We took a picture of that, the gown I mean, and I heaved myself into the bed. In comes out good friend who 's a tech and made sure to be there that day for us, along with a tech that was actually on duty to put my IV in. Guess I'm not over my needle phobia? I got extremely ill during and right after and my super high blood pressure dropped super low and I almost passed out and kind one of the few things I remember was a nurse saying over and over again "she's white as a sheet" and then giving instructions. They lost Nicholas' heartbeat on the monitor and then couldn't find it again. Before I knew what was happening or had a minute to catch my breath John and what felt like a dozen nurses were all over me and the doctor was being called in. Guess they paged her in the shower b/c she came running in hair wet and unbrushed with socks that didn't match five minutes later.
From what I understand when my blood pressure dropped in response to me getting faint over the IV line it caused Nicholas' oxygen supply to drop by a lot and slowed his heart rate down into the 60's. They got everyone stable and the doctor told me that you/baby only get one chance at a stunt like that so she wanted to be prepared to do a c-section if it happened again which ment she wanted me to have an epidural before we even started the pitocin to induce the real contractions. She also broke my water so internal monitors could be placed for Nicholas. They were going to give me 90 minutes  or so to rest before they got the pitocin and I would get the epi at some point in that 90 minutes. With my water having been broken though some contractions were making themselves known right away and Nicholas wasn't tolerating even the super mild ones without big drops in heart rate which scared everyone since he's always done so well on the tests before during contractions. The doc came back in and looked at the readout. The verdict was to cancel the order for the epidural and to take me to the O.R. right then where they did a spinal instead. She said with Nicholas' seeming to be in distress over the minor contractions she couldn't possibly do anything to make those contractions stronger and put me into real labor since something seemed to be wrong (likely a cord compression, wraped around his neck, or possible prolaps) and there was no way to tell what it was, they just needed to get him out.

They rushed us off to the O.R. which was a kind of surreal experience. I kept thinking this is a dream, this is happening but not in a hysterical this can't be happening to me sort of way. The feeling was more like an out of body kind of calm thing there you are watching events unfold around you and you can't quite connect to them. Anyway, once again I had a needle to face... but the tech who was a friend held my hand for that since John couldn't be in the O.R. until everything was prepped and ready. I remember visualizing winning the group at Westminter with Wonder to help me pull completely away from reality. It would have worked really really well except the guy doing the spinal and the tech kept talking to me and cutting in on my fantasy. I was able to completely withdraw though eventually and drift in and out of awareness when the surgery started. I remember the doctor introducing me and telling everyone why I was there, I remember the weird sound in my ears when she made the cut and I remember the smell... You don't think about things like how you will be able to smell them cauterizing viens and such but you can. I also remember at some point the doctor talking to somebody about california and then about doing something differently b/c she went to some seminar and learned something new.

Nicholas Sean was born at 9:23 AM and weighed 6lbs 10oz, and is 19 inches long. John was crying so hard he could barely get photos to bring over and show to me on the camera. I was to upset, scared, shaken to really care and wouldn't hold him at all for the longest time. Once I did hold them though motherhood kind of clicked a little bit for me and I felt a few strrings of those warm fuzzy feelings. He was soooo soft, I couldn't get over how soft. They put me on medication right after delivery to stop any seizures I might develop and I had to be on that for 24 hours. It wasn't super fun but there were other places I had tubes running in and out of so it was one of those things that you just add to the list of unhappy things that you just get over. I had a great lactation consultant who came in several times a day to try and help us nurse.

Nicholas is doing fine, no trouble at all except he's having a hard time getting the hang of nursing. There was no cord wrapped around his neck or prolapsed or any other obvious issue they could see for the cause of his distress, just one of those things I suppose. I got to come home this evening and I think once I get over being so overwhelmed and lost I'll settle into parenthood and be ok too. John is thrilled and taking good care of me and Ncholas. He's not left our side and has all next week off too.

 Mommy, Daddy, and a barely five minute old Nicholas Sean 2/3/10   9:23AM